Thursday, December 11, 2008

Hey, big boy, can I recycle your cardboard?

Warning: Adult content. Contains suggestive language
and veiled references to unnatural acts with corrugated boxes.

I got word today that those naughty folks in the box industry had come up with a way to perk up interest in recycling: Sex.

Hmm, slip some Viagra into drooping prices for recycled cardboard? Offer "special favors" to those who use waste paper so that it doesn't end up getting landfilled?

Turns out it was a mistake. The official "Corrugated Recycles" logo used to include the number to a toll-free information line, (800) 879-9777. Call that number now and you're greeted with "Hey there, sexy guy" and offered a chance to go "one on one with hot, horny girls ready to talk to you."

The toll-free number was phased out last year and "unfortunately has been purchased by an adult services organization," says an announcement from the spoil-sports at the Fibre Box Association. Some companies are still using it, and the Technical Association of the Pulp and Paper Industry (TAPPI) was still displaying it today it in a list of industry resources.

"To avoid issues with your customers and their supply chain partners and printing plate providers, we would suggest you prioritize removing this referral from all printing dies," says the announcement. "Please also remove this phone number from all documents, websites and any other form of communication in which this number may appear." The organization provides a new logo (with a URL but no phone number) and tips for scraping the phone number off of printing plates.

Still, with recycled fiber starting to pile up because of low prices, maybe we could use the help of that "adult services organization" to arouse interest in buying waste paper. I can hear one of those breathy operators purring to a paper-company executive, "Hey, big spender, how would you like to go one on one with a couple of truckloads of post-consumer office paper? No flocculation, I promise."

Based on what I know of paper executives, that would definitely get their attention -- more so than Candace the Caribou.

Dec. 13 Update: TAPPI removed the phone number from its Web site yesterday. Good thinking, since it was on a page of paper-related resources for students and teachers. But Google the phone number and you'll find plenty of sites that still list it. Also, U.S. News & World Report's Web site is inviting folks to submit double-entendre comments about this article. Let me throw out a few paper-making terms to stimulate your creativity: stiffness, bulk, wet-end chemistry, couch (pronounced "koosh"), and beaters.


Anonymous said...


I could only wish my own recycling center could get this much free publicity.

Anonymous said...

So, Mr. Tree, you're saying I'm less sexy than cardboard, eh? What do you know, you fur-less, two-legged simian? You want horny, eh? I've got some antlers that could teach you a thing or two!

Anonymous said...

Candace, relax, it's just a joke. We need these people to start talking about how to re-use their corrugated and other paper products. Otherwise, with the Canadian dollar so cheap and the value of scrap paper even lower, the lazy bums will just landfill their old boxes and come cut our forests to make more.

Anonymous said...

"Our" forests? What are you talking about, foreigner? If you were a real Canadian, you'd call yourself a caribou instead of a reindeer, use "eh?" in every other sentence, and complain constantly about the U.S. and its culture, especially while watching American TV. If you're so homeless, why don't you go back to Finland where you belong, eh? And take that obese pedophile, Santa Claus, with you. You can't tell me he's Canadian; when was the last time you saw him wearing ice skates or drinking a beer, eh?

Anonymous said...

Ooh, Candace, I love it when you get angry. It really lengthens the growing season of my northern hardwood!

Anonymous said...

Long growing season, eh? That's because all you've got is southern softwood.