Sunday, October 11, 2009

Re-Righting The Bible: No More Namby-Pamby Peacemaking

"The Lord is my CEO, I shall not want. He maketh me to dwell in a free-market economy. He leadeth me into low tax havens."

After praising a new line of carbon-neutral Bibles last month, Dead Tree Edition is going to do the fair and balanced thing by offering some help for the Conservative Bible Project. Last week, Conservapedia announced that wiki-like re-translation of the Bible to rid it of "liberal bias." (After all, most of the Bible was written by Jews!)

Speaking of liberal bias, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God" sounds like something written by a tofu eater. Here's a red-meat conservative version of Matthew 5:9: "Blessed are the Peacekeeper missiles, for they shall be called the weapons of the godly."

Let's update "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees" for the 21st Century: "Step aside, you trial lawyers and pointy-headed intellectuals!"

Contributions from prominent conservatives would help the project. To assist that effort, Dead Tree Edition is offering some free ghost writing.

For example, how about Rush Limbaugh rewriting "use a little wine for thy stomach's sake" (I Timothy 5:23) as "use a little OxyContin, which will give you the intestinal fortitude to fight off the feminazis"?

Or George Bush's take on "with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26): "Don't misunderestimate God."

Did the Last Supper really occur in an "upper room"? The Dick Cheney translation of Mark 14:15 will set the record straight: It was a bunker in "an undisclosed location."

Larry Craig could translate Matthew 5:11 as "Blessed are you when men shall revile you, and not re-elect you, and falsely accuse you of doing strange things in airport bathrooms."

Come on, folks, let's hear your suggestions for the Conservative Bible Project.

And why don't you godless liberals see what you can come up with for your heroes? Just make sure Bill Clinton doesn't refer to Bathsheba (II Samuel 11) as "an intern."


Pain chronic said...

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Swallow the extended-release tablet whole. Do not chew, break, or crush extended-release oxycodone tablets.
oxycodone can be habit-forming. Do not take a larger dose, take it more often, or for a longer period than your doctor tells you to. If you have been taking oxycodone for more than a few weeks, do not stop taking oxycodone suddenly. Your doctor probably will decrease your dose gradually.

Anonymous said...

Blessed are the meek, for they shall take a pay cut and still feel grateful for their jobs.

Unknown said...

"The meek shall inherit the Earth, the rich will protest the will."

Anonymous said...

Blessed are the meek(liberals), for the conservatives will end up doing all the work for them.