"The Lord is my CEO, I shall not want. He maketh me to dwell in a free-market economy. He leadeth me into low tax havens."
After praising a new line of carbon-neutral Bibles last month, Dead Tree Edition is going to do the fair and balanced thing by offering some help for the Conservative Bible Project. Last week, Conservapedia announced that wiki-like re-translation of the Bible to rid it of "liberal bias." (After all, most of the Bible was written by Jews!)
Speaking of liberal bias, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God" sounds like something written by a tofu eater. Here's a red-meat conservative version of Matthew 5:9: "Blessed are the Peacekeeper missiles, for they shall be called the weapons of the godly."
Let's update "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees" for the 21st Century: "Step aside, you trial lawyers and pointy-headed intellectuals!"
Contributions from prominent conservatives would help the project. To assist that effort, Dead Tree Edition is offering some free ghost writing.
For example, how about Rush Limbaugh rewriting "use a little wine for thy stomach's sake" (I Timothy 5:23) as "use a little OxyContin, which will give you the intestinal fortitude to fight off the feminazis"?
Or George Bush's take on "with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26): "Don't misunderestimate God."
Did the Last Supper really occur in an "upper room"? The Dick Cheney translation of Mark 14:15 will set the record straight: It was a bunker in "an undisclosed location."
Larry Craig could translate Matthew 5:11 as "Blessed are you when men shall revile you, and not re-elect you, and falsely accuse you of doing strange things in airport bathrooms."
Come on, folks, let's hear your suggestions for the Conservative Bible Project.
And why don't you godless liberals see what you can come up with for your heroes? Just make sure Bill Clinton doesn't refer to Bathsheba (II Samuel 11) as "an intern."
4 comments:
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oxycodone is used to relieve moderate to moderate-to-severe pain. It also is used to relieve postpartum, postoperative, and dental pain.
This medication is sometimes prescribed for other uses; ask your doctor or pharmacist for more information.
How should this medicine be used?
oxycodone comes as a liquid and tablet to take by mouth. It usually is taken every 6 hours as needed; extended-release (long-acting) tablets usually are taken every 12 hours as indicated in findrxonline in his article about the medicine. Follow the directions on your prescription label carefully, and ask your doctor or pharmacist to explain any part you do not understand. Take oxycodone exactly as directed.
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Blessed are the meek, for they shall take a pay cut and still feel grateful for their jobs.
"The meek shall inherit the Earth, the rich will protest the will."
Blessed are the meek(liberals), for the conservatives will end up doing all the work for them.
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